Reparenting my inner child through the lens of ADHD

Much about this journey is about our parallel experiences.

I’m having a virtual parent teacher interview and am scribbling random, almost illegible notes on a post it about ways in which I can support my daughter- who is learning across the board a grade to two below her age -its completely daunting. Internally, I am going back and berating myself for not forcing letters and number on her earlier, and making more diligent routines and schedules. She never cared for sitting down or would heavily protest or shut down when I would impose some of my own “fun learning ideas” into her dramatic play. At times I’d even make up different voices for each letter because that seemed to catch her attention but it never fully evolved into wanting to learn more. She loved being read to and only ever sat still for books so I just pushed my worry to the side and said, “she’ll learn it all in kindergarten”. Just give her her autonomy and freedom and pick your battles, there are enough struggles to choose from here.

Perhaps like me your child was a high needs baby, then a high needs toddler? Never leaving your side, having huge emotional experiences beyond what appeared typical and basically running you ragged with their energetic output that was boundless, no matter how little they slept! And they were oblivious to how little sleep you got. Other mothers would be sitting gabbing joyfully, enjoying each others company on a patio with babies contentedly sleeping in strollers while I made my third lap down the shaded street carrying my baby, because she wouldn’t do a stroller and only napped, albeit briefly, after being walked for hours or rocked almost violently. I loathed them. 

Now in grade two things have evolved slightly. I would still call her a relentless force but fortunately at school she is seen as happy and mostly adaptable. She is working really hard to keep up and does quite well at emotional regulation in her day. But learning is a huge, huge challenge for her, like it is for about 30-50% of ADHD kids who also have dyslexia, dyscalculia or other learning differences on top of ADHD. “It’s like numbers are mysterious to Esme”, says her teacher. Even when counting 5 on her fingers, to know what “5” actually means would be like going to the moon on a pogo stick. I end our third teacher conference completely triggered, fighting back tears, feeling like an utter failure in life, and want to crumple up into a lint ball and be buried under the couch with some chocolate.  My partner has a different experience. She is feeling somewhat optimistic! She reflects on some of the more positive comments while I seem to be dwelling in the areas where she is so far behind and then projecting that into her future life as if nothing could change. Like how will she ever “succeed" in life? How will she budget time, money, resources? How will she figure out x, y, z?!    I am spiralling into the future black hole of worry that gets you deep dark real fast. 

Luckily, I have some tools and time for self-reflection and pause for a moment to understand how much I am also entwined in this conversation from the place of my inner child. Though I didn’t have the same learning challenges of dyslexia and dyscalculia on top of ADHD like my daughter, I did have trouble at school with executive functioning issues.  Like so many women, my ADHD went undiagnosed, until my daughter was assessed. So therefore in school I was just the extremely verbal girl who could take over the room with her energy and ideas and complained (loudly) when we were learning things that did not interest me or seemed completely irrelevant. And like many girls my presentation became more inattentive over time which translates to ignored in the school system. I was withdrawn in class at times, forgetful, with scattered notes everywhere or staring out the window dreaming up other places I would rather be. I was the girl who was told I was so bright but never lived up to my potential because I didn’t apply myself. Those “helpful” comments always made me fume. Please, if your teenage daughter comes home with comments like this on a report card investigate an ADHD diagnosis!

When dealing with my daughter I asses that my investment in her wellbeing and education comes from a deeper place than her loving, concerned parent- it comes from the internal place of me desperately wanting to re-parent myself and be recognized for some of the challenges I had. I want to go back in time and be seen and understood, so that I could slough off some of this residual shame and self-criticism; feelings of doubt and not engoughness I’ve been carrying. I didn’t want her to wonder in silence, what is going on with me? Why don’t I just “get it” like the others seem to? 

Much of this journey is about some of our parallel experiences as girls, now as women and mothers with recognition of our own ADHD, parenting little versions of ourselves. The key is I am her parent, aware of who she is and her struggles early on. She has me and her other mother advocating for her, researching and investigating all the ways in which we can support her from a place of knowledge, self-empowerment and strength. We see her and know the challenges that will come up for her in a school environment. We know that ADHD is something she will be dealing with in many facets of her life for the rest of her life. We can intercept uninformed comments about her potential and her abilities from a united and informed front.  This early acknowledgement is a key ingredient I never had that will inevitably shift my daughters self-concept and experiences navigating systems.

 I trust that through osmosis it will also transform me and bring healing through the lines of time, with compassion, reweaving my past self through this lens of ADHD awareness. For now, I laugh myself up from my crumpled heap and go outside into nature to allow my wild child the space to run free, I invite my daughter along as well.